day 246: accidental choking


Early mornings are perfect for my own private devotionals.
Stumbling out to the cold leather chair in my blue pin-striped robe to share the glow spilling over the mountains outside my living room window.
I open scriptures and read, and then close and sit.  Eyes shut tight while the story plays.
It is time to run the film in my head.  This is part of my pondering.  My style.

The boys creep upstairs, rubbing gluey eyes and moaning a bit, and we wait for Geo to come out for prayer and food and family.  
This is my ideal.  My aim.

Then the mornings where I haven't left enough margin around myself.  Where getting up 15 minutes before everyone else feels like lifting a car off the ground, or draining blood from a rock.
I am weak.  Body, soul, whatever.

I have a beautiful cathedral inside of me.  Not beautiful from any of my doing, but beautiful because of the promises.  Beautiful because of pre-earthly architecture.

When I let the vines cling onto the sides it is almost unrecognizable,
and I accidentally choke myself.

Pulling and tugging is possible.  The roots can't hold too hard to the stone and mortar underneath.  But it is a bother and an inconvenience that I allowed.  So I start again.

 I remember my rose window and my nave.  I remember my altar and stained glass.  And I unchoke and begin anew.

13 comments

Terresa | April 21, 2010 at 10:16 PM

Oh, this post has me crying. Love it, feel it, living it right now. So much of it. (And the picture is unreal. The terrifying beauty.)

PS: Yes, I'm going to be @ Borders tomorrow to meet Kim, etc. I'll look for you, too! Sweet!

Stacy | April 21, 2010 at 10:33 PM

Wow, it's as if you read my mind on this one. Absolutely beautiful. Thanks. I need to do more of exactly what you're describing- opening and fighting to keep myslef that way.

(I'll be at Borders tomorrow night too! I'll look for you!)

Heidi Ashworth | April 21, 2010 at 10:35 PM

Oh, golly. I'll try to remember this early tomorrow morning when I'm busy trying to lift a car off the ground. It's too beautiful to forget.

Heidi Ashworth | April 21, 2010 at 10:35 PM

Oh gosh, Borders. You. Terresa. Kim. sigh . . .

LisAway | April 21, 2010 at 11:33 PM

I love the picture of your morning. It sounds like heaven. Why are some do some of those wonderful experiences have to take so much effort? I guess because they are their own reward. And it's worth it.

Lisa | April 21, 2010 at 11:40 PM

Wow! Can I be just like you when I grow up? You are a beautiful writer, and an even more beautiful person. Thanks for your profound insights.

misssrobin | April 22, 2010 at 12:02 AM

This is a beautiful and inspiring post. Now I am on the hunt for my own private devotional.

TechnoBabe | April 22, 2010 at 6:38 AM

Early mornings are my special time too. The birds are singing. I like your description of the cathedral within. If we let up on the vines they can choke us, can't they? We have to be diligent and keep them trimmed. Keep our strength for the daily living.

Connie | April 22, 2010 at 7:27 AM

Wow! Beautiful!

bricolorful | April 22, 2010 at 9:52 AM

You perfectly articulated how that feels.

(By the way, I'm not a blog stalker. I'm a disciple (I mean student) of your husband's at BYU and he talks so sweetly about your blog that I had to check it out.)

bricolorful | April 22, 2010 at 9:52 AM

You perfectly articulated how that feels.

(By the way, I'm not a blog stalker. I'm a disciple (I mean student) of your husband's at BYU and he talks so sweetly about your blog that I had to check it out.)

Candy Eash | April 22, 2010 at 10:33 PM

That was thought provocking and pretty! :)

Luann | May 2, 2010 at 7:13 AM

Oh, my heart. Beautiful.