and down comes the gavel

It has been a tough thing to plan and manage my time.  I feel like I am smart enough to take care of these details, but they multiply exponentially in an amazing way.  I am finishing my licensing program this year, which includes 5 classroom observations and 7 serious, big-time, portfolio assignments.  Then I have 13 students that need testing and IEPs and meetings with parents.  My church responsibilities are heavy, but enjoyable, and I am still learning to do things right there.  And though they shouldn't be listed last, the family needs my attention, and guilt is prevalent in that arena. 

We do a good job with family nights on Monday, and reading scriptures during dinner.  That is going well.  I make sure the kids are at the table at 4:30 pm for study time, then music practice.  So the details are in place.  But I feel a little absent in my own life sometimes.  I know things will get better come April, when my schooling is finally over, but I don't want to get caught up in the "in only 6 months ..." game.  Again, absence.

So tonight I am trying to forgive myself and get present.  Because I remember when I was an at-home mom, with no school and no job, I still had feelings of inadequacies and guilt.  It is my way. 

20 comments

misssrobin | November 19, 2010 at 12:12 AM

Ugh. Being present. Kind of the holy grail we're all seeking, isn't it? Especially women, it seems. Always planning for the future and remembering the past. We blink and now is gone.

I guess sometimes noticing is the best we can do. You noticed. And for at least that moment, you were there.

You are not alone.

LisAway | November 19, 2010 at 3:33 AM

Your last two lines are exactly right. I think there will be guilt in every stage of life, because every stage makes it hard or impossible for us to do everything just how we think we should be. Keep truckin'. You're doing great at balancing.

Susan Erickson | November 19, 2010 at 6:47 AM

You do it all...and you do it well....maybe not perfectly....but really, really, well! ...now have some fun....

Becca | November 19, 2010 at 7:19 AM

That guilt, that feeling that we ought to be doing more, oftener, better, perfect-er, that is the most destructive personality aspect for some of us. I find that guilt eating away at the good things I do manage. And I hate that I let it happen.

I think overcoming that is part of the journey (at least for me).

Connie | November 19, 2010 at 7:23 AM

Your plate is WAY full and yet you manage to pull it off. Instead of feeling guilty, pat yourself on your back for the wonderful things you do and just keep going. April will be here before you know it. In the meantime...breathe...

Momza | November 19, 2010 at 7:45 AM

I had this same discussion with my husband last night...since I'm working, neither of us are home very much. And that makes me sad.
I feel like a cloud around here...hovering but not touching the ground.
Hang in there. This is a great balancing act. If you figure something out, let me know!

Barbaloot | November 19, 2010 at 8:05 AM

My first thought on seeing this post was that you had highlighted in Christmas colors! Maybe this season-busy as it is-will give you that boost to reconnect and feel like you're there:)

Luann | November 19, 2010 at 8:40 AM

It is my way too.

Kristina P. | November 19, 2010 at 9:26 AM

I think many of us could do a better job at this. I know I can!

Kimberly | November 19, 2010 at 10:19 AM

Not just your way, the human way. This is what it is to live a life. It is in us to yearn and strive, and it is also in us to wish to do more than it is within our power to do. Balance is such a tricky thing...priorities, juggling, plate spinning. Sometimes I shut down completely and do nothing because it's so overwhelming.

You're not doing nothing, you're doing so much. You deserve applause for it.

Heidi | November 19, 2010 at 11:35 AM

You are amazing! Really. I could never do all that you are doing. One of the things that makes life richer and feel like it is lasting longer (which is sometimes a great thing!) is by having varied experiences. You are certainly doing that. Everything always changes so fast in life . . . you'll blink and it will all be over. (as in, come April, not come death)

Minna | November 19, 2010 at 2:53 PM

i am a little further along in this process than you are but i remember and sometimes still feel that i am spread too thin and because of that i don't always feel i am giving my best to any one area of my life.

i find myself trying to be available to my husband, my children, my grandchildren, teaching (i still do some), my friends, the crafts i never had time for, the perfect house.

i think we, and it's definitely a genetic marker for women, have to learn to forgive ourselves and take care of ourselves in the ways we do so naturally for others.

i am, as always, impressed with you and the woman you are. xxxooo

Garden of Egan | November 19, 2010 at 10:34 PM

It does sound like you have a full plate! It also sounds like you do a totally awesome job at being a mom!

Don't do the guilt thing....I'm busy doing that for you and everyone else!

bricolorful | November 20, 2010 at 9:12 AM

Oh man... you mean the "inadequacy and guilt" thing never goes away?

Jenny | November 20, 2010 at 4:34 PM

Miss use of time, is something I am working to improve on.

Tomorrow will be better.

Ca88andra | November 20, 2010 at 6:11 PM

Firstly - I love your new pic! Secondly, I guess we all struggle with time management and organising the different compartments in our lives. Sometimes it pays to just sit still and listen to the silence!

Juliana | November 20, 2010 at 9:23 PM

You do so much, and do so much so well. I can't seem to even handle the housework! Good luck with the rest of the school year. I'm so excited for you that you're almost done (sort of!)

DeNae | November 21, 2010 at 3:12 AM

I think it's OUR way. Women have a gift for being in one place physically and in another place mentally. It makes us the master multi-taskers our families need us to be. But unquestionably, the 'here and now' invariably winds up on the altar. A re-think is always helpful, but don't let the guilts get you down when you're doing what we were wired to do. You know you're a great soul, and the people you love and serve will tell you that.

Rachel Cotterill | November 21, 2010 at 3:33 AM

I know the "once X happens, it'll all be fine" trap, too well...

Good luck!

Melanie Jacobson | November 21, 2010 at 8:56 PM

It's the way of most of us. Disconnecting more from the Internet has helped me although I don't leave completely because there are parts of me that need to stay dialed in. Being aware of time and that it passes helps me, too. But I'm still finding the balance. And probably always will be.