day eighty-four: them, me, them

Lately, I find I am either in a state of thinking 100% about everyone else, or 100% percent about my own "things".  I don't like the extremes, but that's what I seem to be facing lately, and I am trying to deal with it.

I sit at my desk at work while my kiddos are in PE or at the library and my mind goes straight to my two older boys as I think about their life changes they are facing.  One of them will be coming home and needing a job- to pay his own way, to hit the ground running.  The other one will be leaving, to... somewhere.  He will be so good at meeting people and following rules and doing what he is asked to do.  And mostly, at sharing his huge heart that somehow he fits into his scrawny, freckly body.  I love those guys.

#3 is healing up really well, and is on his way to getting his 13 yr-old life back to where he wants it to be.  It's all good there.  And last night my husband and I both wondered out loud if our youngest is feeling like he is getting enough attention and nurturing.  We are doing our best to spread the love around, but you know how it is. Sometimes the weight needs to be shifted to one side. 

And just when I put all the kid things to rest my mind does a 180 and I start to think about my own progress, or maybe lack of it.  I am not a self-loather, seriously.  I just feel a little bit tired of myself.  What I need is to do some recreational reading and get inside someone else's head.  It's getting crowded in here. 


LisAway | November 11, 2009 at 6:56 AM

Oh sheesh, I hear you. Good news about all of your kids! They really are into big things, aren't they?

Life is so busy and my kids have so much going on and we've set so many (great) goals for this school year that I really have to stay well on top of everything that's going on with them, but I'm as selfish as can be every chance I get. I'm so glad I'm forced to NOT be so selfish.

Connie | November 11, 2009 at 7:18 AM

Kids are always a never ends. You're a wife and mother for eternity, a student for another year, and a teacher for as long as you need to be. All the different roles you play just seem to overlap and define your thoughts, actions and identity.
You're a noble woman!

Barbaloot | November 11, 2009 at 8:57 AM

Hey-at least you make an effort to think about others. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in me I don't realize other people exist!

Dedee | November 11, 2009 at 9:05 AM

Hmmm, have you read The Hunger Games yet?

Then again, maybe not perhaps so much recreational. If you want fluffy, then perhaps Fablehaven? Another run through of Miss Delacourt? The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind?

You're awesome! I feel this way too.

Kazzy | November 11, 2009 at 9:32 AM

You guys are making me feel better already. I was in a funk last night. ;)

Lara Neves | November 11, 2009 at 10:38 AM

I really like what Lisa said. I am glad I am forced NOT to be selfish, because it sure makes me a better person.

Minna | November 11, 2009 at 9:28 PM

larry always used to say that fair is not always equal. sometime our focus must be allowed to ebb and flow between our children, our work and our home, our spouse, and our own interests. i think putting yourself on the list is incredibly important in maintaining balance in your life.

April | November 12, 2009 at 12:19 AM

It's so hard at times to find that balance. Especially with so many things going on. Sometimes a personal time out is what is needed to put things back into focus.

wendy | November 12, 2009 at 4:39 PM

You don't want to get inside my head --seriously, it is troubling there.
I know though how we give give give and them sometimes feel a little "empty" within our own selves.
glad #3 is healing

Jessica Stock | November 12, 2009 at 7:10 PM

Your kids sound so great . . . I guess a mom's heart is always walking around in her children. I am so with you- needing a good book so I can think about something else for a while!

Heidi | November 16, 2009 at 9:35 AM

Kazzy, dear, you have SO MUCH on your plate. There are times when I am in the thick of things and I just can't see how much progress I am actually making until I reach the crest of that particular mountain and look down at where I have been. True, I might have neglected certain things that are important, but then I see how what I have just been through was exactly the right thing for me to be experiencing in order to progress the way that the Lord knew was best for me at the time. Hang onto your hat with the boy coming home--my twin sister's son came home in July, went back to BYU in August, met a girl whom he is now seriously dating and whom, on Saturday night, got them into a car accident that should have killed him based on what they can see of the wreckage (his pelvis was broken in three places but he's alive and otherwise well). Things change so fast. And it's all good. Hard but good.